So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize