everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
