saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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