if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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