Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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