I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
