Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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