I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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