When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
