She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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