I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
All I want is dick and wine.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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