His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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