I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
