Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize