I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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