Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
