Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
