im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
