Pants 0. Shit 1.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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