just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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