New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
