I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
