There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
