This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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