I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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