my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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