I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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