So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I did not marry a roomba.
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