There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
its liver damage thursday
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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