Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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