So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
