You can't motorboat a personality
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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