it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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