Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
