I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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