Already got asked if we're dating
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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