I hate all girls vehemently.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she smelled like a LAN party
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize