your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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