Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
