Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
