I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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