My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
