you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
