Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
