I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
