how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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