I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
