I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
