It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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