remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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