I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
