The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
This baby is an asshole
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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