Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
