Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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