I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
