Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
