Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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