Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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